Apologies for the few and the faithful...
I have not written in quite some time...my apologies. You see, I spread my thoughts over various journals, conversations and online forums...once in awhile one of these is neglected...and I usually opt for the blog. I am not much of a blogger and I sometimes find it silly to divulge my thoughts as though people need to know what I think...so I try to be slightly entertaining. If anything I hope this is just a way for you to see a bit of my life here in Scotland, and for my Scottish and English friends to gain insight into my adjusting. :)
Things have been good, hectic, hard and easy. :) Hah. I have been adjusting well to University life. The real measure of this will be in a month when I have to turn in my essays for my courses. Two essays, one for each course, each are worth 90% of the grade for that course, talk about a slight bit of pressure. I have finally, seriously, solidified my topics. I am really excited about both of them and am really interested in the arguments. I wavered back and forth between a few before I settled on these. I suppose this idea of wavering is quite fitting for how I approach everything in my life...eh? (am I Canadian now...such a confused American)
In the midst of schoolwork I am attempting to ponder some ideas for next year. I have some ideas up my sleeve and will be meeting with some people within the next month to find out some of my options (though sadly, for my increasing debt, I will, most likely, be going back to school). But I look at it this way, in two years (the time it would take to get one masters in the States) I can get two degrees! Yippee. More on this later.
I had a really rough week (physically and emotionally), but it has ended with a really great weekend, thus far! Thursday night I had my first Scottish sleepover with English people... :) I stayed the night at Sam's house. We watched a great movie and then me, her and her husband chatted until 1 ish in the morning (Thanks Hugh for all the tea!). They are wonderful and I had such a great time getting away from my flat and getting into the comforts of other peoples' home.
Today was my nephews 8th birthday! I cannot believe he is already 8! Wow. I remember clearly the night he was born. I think it was around midnight or 1 am when my mom and I drove off to the hospital. We were sooooo excited. It was my first time as an aunt, and my mom's as a grandma. We waited for quite sometime at the hospital and I think he was born around 5 am. Me, my mom, my sister, and my sister-in-law's family were all in the waiting room passing the time away. I love births...I love so much waiting around hospitals with great anticipation at the wee hours of the night...such a wonderful feeling and I have been blessed to do it four times!
Anyway. For Trev's birthday they all went to a laser tag place, and I took the two wee one's over to a softplay (big huge soft play jungle gym type thing that is indoors). It was amazingly easy. Colt and Garrett played for hours and loved it, while I laughed at them and read for class.
I decided that I will take a heap out in loans to put one of those things in my house! What a great way to keep kids occupied and busy while getting exercise. And I figure it would be such a great way to support single moms in the neighborhood. They can come over for some relaxing tea and lunch while their kids play! :) I love it!! Are my ideas too grandiose? hah.
After the party we went back to my brother and sister-in-law's for presents and dinner. It was really a wonderful moment watching my nephew open presents. It was like being back home at one of his parties. Everyone had sent him presents from back home, so it was neat to see how excited he was to open their gifts.
Trevor got the Guinness Book of World Records, which completely occupied me and my brother for hours as I gave him sports trivia.
It was really a lovely night. It makes me sad to think that they will be going home soon. But all the more thankful that the Lord has blessed me with such a unique and wonderful family! :)
Tomorrow I get to have lunch with Kenny and Sandra...and of course read!
love you all!
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Two Monthaversary
I will quickly pass through the topic of the Charger loss in England against the Saints. I just have a couple of comments...what is the deal with the ref's new uniforms...more importantly the stupid calls that were made. I am hating the new "unsportsman like conduct" rules..blah...make the game a robotic bore why don't you!
For those back home, one of the more disturbing things was what happened when we should have broke for commercials. Instead of the typical commercial spots we went to a studio for football commentary with Jerry Rice, another football guy and a British gentlemen. The purpose was to recap what had happened, explain it and compare it to rugby. It all makes sense, since I am sure the sport is a tad confusing for someone who has never watched it...or for those who don't have a family obsessed with the sport. (Who is going to get the bra this year? Billy again? Make sure he doesn't forget to bring the new addition that I added last year). Anyway, I was slightly annoyed by the British guy. There was nothing at all wrong with him, he was very pleasant and did a good job, but something was eating at me and I couldn't figure it out. It took me until the end of the fourth to realize what was irking me so...he was a skinny blonde guy! Every football commentator is an ex-player in some fashion, and is usually a big dude! It was just out of place. :)
I will pass to the actual topic at hand. Today has been two months exactly since I arrived in Scotland! In all honesty it seems like I have been here for a much longer time period. It is so weird how comfortable I already feel.
Last year, from August 2007 to about June 2008, was a rough year. I didn't respond to the year with obedience of heart or thanksgiving. It was very hard for me to connect spiritually, and I was "trying" to run away from my community and hide in my sorrows. I would say that truthfully, little to nill repentance happened that year.
I think I have mentioned in a past entry that whenever I am "away" from home, God always stretches and challenges me in interesting and uncomfortable ways...but ultimately He reveals more of His truth and character to me.
Basically I feel like a mirror is up to my face and left exposed is the reality of my sin. Thankfully, I have really been convicted of A LOT of things since I have arrived.
Before I left San Diego, I was hopeful that this journey would be a time to focus less on myself and really serve and love those around me. That this life here would be my mission field...that as I went about my day and schooling, I would love without an agenda...and learn the beauty in what it means to actual glorify the Lord, and to ultimately hope more for his glory than my own comfort. I have failed that big time! But I am not without hope.
As I was reading Matthew this morning, and the commentary that followed, I was challenged to look more closely at the way to combat falsity and lies. The only way to wage war successfully against my flesh is with the truth...and if I am not pouring the truth into my body, then my flesh, sinful nature, will feed off of every tantalizing object that passes by. There has been a running theme these past few weeks, in my personal study, about the idea of false prophets...I think I have written about it already.
With that said, I have been challenged this weekend to really seek the word of God...to really plunge into the Bible. I realized this weekend, running on empty, how much I NEED it! And how grateful I am for it! Reading the Bible does not save me, nothing but His grace can...but what another act of grace and mercy to give us his actual word. :)
Friends and family, my prayer right now is that I will be "others" focused. That I will think very very very little of myself and everything of Jesus and that I will have deep love, compassion and time for those in my life. That I will be sensitive to others needs and consider them better than myself. If you feel so led I would love your prayers!
----
I have spent the weekend up in Milngavie (Mil-guy) watching my nephews. It was crazy, and very tiring...but there are those moments when they wake you up, albeit 6 am, when all they want is a cuddle...and well it puts things into perspective.
I have a reading week this week...no actual seminar/class. I have two assignments due on Friday. And I am still trying to sharpen and focus my essay topics. I have applied for a job that I hope I get! I realize I have too much time on my hands and with that excess time I am anything but productive! A job would do me and my savings well! :)
So long for now. :)
For those back home, one of the more disturbing things was what happened when we should have broke for commercials. Instead of the typical commercial spots we went to a studio for football commentary with Jerry Rice, another football guy and a British gentlemen. The purpose was to recap what had happened, explain it and compare it to rugby. It all makes sense, since I am sure the sport is a tad confusing for someone who has never watched it...or for those who don't have a family obsessed with the sport. (Who is going to get the bra this year? Billy again? Make sure he doesn't forget to bring the new addition that I added last year). Anyway, I was slightly annoyed by the British guy. There was nothing at all wrong with him, he was very pleasant and did a good job, but something was eating at me and I couldn't figure it out. It took me until the end of the fourth to realize what was irking me so...he was a skinny blonde guy! Every football commentator is an ex-player in some fashion, and is usually a big dude! It was just out of place. :)
I will pass to the actual topic at hand. Today has been two months exactly since I arrived in Scotland! In all honesty it seems like I have been here for a much longer time period. It is so weird how comfortable I already feel.
Last year, from August 2007 to about June 2008, was a rough year. I didn't respond to the year with obedience of heart or thanksgiving. It was very hard for me to connect spiritually, and I was "trying" to run away from my community and hide in my sorrows. I would say that truthfully, little to nill repentance happened that year.
I think I have mentioned in a past entry that whenever I am "away" from home, God always stretches and challenges me in interesting and uncomfortable ways...but ultimately He reveals more of His truth and character to me.
Basically I feel like a mirror is up to my face and left exposed is the reality of my sin. Thankfully, I have really been convicted of A LOT of things since I have arrived.
Before I left San Diego, I was hopeful that this journey would be a time to focus less on myself and really serve and love those around me. That this life here would be my mission field...that as I went about my day and schooling, I would love without an agenda...and learn the beauty in what it means to actual glorify the Lord, and to ultimately hope more for his glory than my own comfort. I have failed that big time! But I am not without hope.
As I was reading Matthew this morning, and the commentary that followed, I was challenged to look more closely at the way to combat falsity and lies. The only way to wage war successfully against my flesh is with the truth...and if I am not pouring the truth into my body, then my flesh, sinful nature, will feed off of every tantalizing object that passes by. There has been a running theme these past few weeks, in my personal study, about the idea of false prophets...I think I have written about it already.
With that said, I have been challenged this weekend to really seek the word of God...to really plunge into the Bible. I realized this weekend, running on empty, how much I NEED it! And how grateful I am for it! Reading the Bible does not save me, nothing but His grace can...but what another act of grace and mercy to give us his actual word. :)
Friends and family, my prayer right now is that I will be "others" focused. That I will think very very very little of myself and everything of Jesus and that I will have deep love, compassion and time for those in my life. That I will be sensitive to others needs and consider them better than myself. If you feel so led I would love your prayers!
----
I have spent the weekend up in Milngavie (Mil-guy) watching my nephews. It was crazy, and very tiring...but there are those moments when they wake you up, albeit 6 am, when all they want is a cuddle...and well it puts things into perspective.
I have a reading week this week...no actual seminar/class. I have two assignments due on Friday. And I am still trying to sharpen and focus my essay topics. I have applied for a job that I hope I get! I realize I have too much time on my hands and with that excess time I am anything but productive! A job would do me and my savings well! :)
So long for now. :)
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Ugliness as Deformity, Reservedness and Homesickness, and My Moment in the Rain.
Ugliness as Deformity:
I have found myself blue this week, for reasons which I will go into in my next segment. But I believe the current state of blueness has had me a tad more sensitive than normal...so hold tight my loves.
During my Embodiments seminar today we were talking about the idea of deformity in literature and the voice of the deformed person. We discussed various texts and our conversation ran from one random topic to the other (yet all the while still very interesting). We finally ended the day with the notion that ugliness in female characters is treated as a deformity. It is something she has to "recover" from or be "redeem" from. The "ugly" female is either looked a pitifully or with regret and sorrow. For example, poetry dealing with the woman scarred from Small Pox will be forever changed, it is treated as though her good self is gone, that her place in society is now marred.
I ended seminar feeling incredibly sad and overcome. This idea that women have to be beautiful or else they will be seen as deformed has transcended countless generations and appears to be going no where fast . Now, you may be sitting there disagreeing with me, saying to yourself "deformity is a strong word." But if you were honest with yourself, you will recall your instant feelings or judgments from the "ugly" person. True, maybe you didn't slander her in your mind, but did you notice? Or was she tossed aside, unlike the beautiful woman that walked into the room? Granted women do this with men as well and I am not trying to be on any type of feminist platform in any way. It just made me recognize more fully this weight of "beauty" that I have attempted to carry around my neck for years, that most women attempt to carry. This idea that unless you are deemed beautiful then there isn't much room for you in society.
Yet with that said, I really need to look at my heart in this. Why am I not satisfied with being called a daughter of the King? Why do I seek outside approval? Why am I afraid to been seen as ugly? Ultimately I give more merit to the outside view than the view of Christ, the man that died for me and covered the very ugliness of my soul.
Reservedness and Homesickness
Like I mentioned above, I have been feeling blue this past week (week and a half). I knew what I was feeling but I wasn't quite sure why. After a talk with mom (of course she always helps), and between bursts of tears regarding my missed puppies, we determined the cause of this said sadness... homesickness! It was masked quite well as I have no internal drive or desire to be home or go home. My problem is this: in San Diego I never felt like I was home...I was lacking a connection with the place I lived. But, in San Diego I was Jac...crazy, loud, goofy, funny, over emotional, Jac-Jac. Here, in Glasgow, I have a sense of belonging; I know this is where I am supposed to be. Yet, I find that it is harder for me to find the Jac-outlets. Scots are a bit more reserved than I would consider myself to be, this isn't a bad thing, just a different thing. How or where do I fit into this picture? Is it a welcomed trait? An annoying trait? I always wonder if I am asking too personal of questions, or if I am sharing too much. I am myself here, just maybe more timid about putting it all out there. I explained it to Kristi, I feel like I am wearing a great pair of high heels (which I adore), but really just want to be in slippers.
I also have to keep in mind that friendships take time to develop. My close relationships at home were hard relationships to build and maintain...I am sure most of you back home can attest to the hard times we had to get to the good stuff. SO I need to be more patient...It has only been two months! And I also need to be willing to go through the same hurdles again...hmmm ;)
A Moment in the Rain:
I just had an amazing moment. A freeing moment...a very Jac moment. It has been quite windy the past few days. At first I wasn't having it, but now I adore it like my new black buttoned boots. Anyway, as I was walking home in the great wind I stretched out my arms and yelled in the streets for all to hear "EMBRACE THE WIND!!!!!!!!!!" "EMBRACE THE WIND" hhaa. Then it started pouring rain, sheets and sheets of rain...instead of reaching for the umbrella I just "embraced the rain!" It was amazing. I was soaking wet! It was so amazing to be that carefree, letting the rain fall upon my face. It really was a beautiful moment. A simple moment that reminded me that Jesus has set me free. He has set me free from the law, from His wrath, from my man-made law, from judgement, from other peoples' views and judgments. He set me free and I am His daughter and He loves me! I am really trying to grasp this idea of God's love. I know you will hear me chat about it A LOT, but it is something that hasn't ever made sense to me.
Currently I get to chat, almost daily, with Kristi regarding this idea of God's love for us. We have had some pretty great life changing conversations (for me) and the Lord is using her in great ways to combat some of the lies I believe.
In Other News:
I will be in Milngavie this weekend playing with the wee boys! I am so excited to run around and act foolish with them. Vanessa will be my faithful sidekick! I couldn't ask for a greater friend...how selfless she is to traverse through the mountains of dirty nappies, bouncing boys, screaming brother fights and the floors splattered with spaghetti sauce. I will have internet so please send emails! I love hearing from you all.
We have a reading week next week, so I will be locking myself in the library trying to solidify my arguments for my essays whilst (doesn't really work for me huh?) trying to complete minor assignments that I have let stress me out!
Kenny and Sandra get into town next week!!! I am so so so so so excited for them to get here. For those of you who don't know of them, they are two friends that I met at the Crowded Church Conference that Kaleo hosted in August. They are faithful servants of the Lord and have an incredible heart to see Glasgow, and Scotland as a whole, transformed by the love of Jesus and His Gospel. They are coming to plant a church here in the West End of Glasgow, where I live. This is just one of the amazing ways God has confirmed my move here! I am so excited to see what comes of this church plant, and what the Lord does.
It really is such a trying and great season spiritually. I am constantly encouraged by the Lord and constantly convicted by him as well. I am realizing how very little I know! :)
I miss you all dearly!
I have found myself blue this week, for reasons which I will go into in my next segment. But I believe the current state of blueness has had me a tad more sensitive than normal...so hold tight my loves.
During my Embodiments seminar today we were talking about the idea of deformity in literature and the voice of the deformed person. We discussed various texts and our conversation ran from one random topic to the other (yet all the while still very interesting). We finally ended the day with the notion that ugliness in female characters is treated as a deformity. It is something she has to "recover" from or be "redeem" from. The "ugly" female is either looked a pitifully or with regret and sorrow. For example, poetry dealing with the woman scarred from Small Pox will be forever changed, it is treated as though her good self is gone, that her place in society is now marred.
I ended seminar feeling incredibly sad and overcome. This idea that women have to be beautiful or else they will be seen as deformed has transcended countless generations and appears to be going no where fast . Now, you may be sitting there disagreeing with me, saying to yourself "deformity is a strong word." But if you were honest with yourself, you will recall your instant feelings or judgments from the "ugly" person. True, maybe you didn't slander her in your mind, but did you notice? Or was she tossed aside, unlike the beautiful woman that walked into the room? Granted women do this with men as well and I am not trying to be on any type of feminist platform in any way. It just made me recognize more fully this weight of "beauty" that I have attempted to carry around my neck for years, that most women attempt to carry. This idea that unless you are deemed beautiful then there isn't much room for you in society.
Yet with that said, I really need to look at my heart in this. Why am I not satisfied with being called a daughter of the King? Why do I seek outside approval? Why am I afraid to been seen as ugly? Ultimately I give more merit to the outside view than the view of Christ, the man that died for me and covered the very ugliness of my soul.
Reservedness and Homesickness
Like I mentioned above, I have been feeling blue this past week (week and a half). I knew what I was feeling but I wasn't quite sure why. After a talk with mom (of course she always helps), and between bursts of tears regarding my missed puppies, we determined the cause of this said sadness... homesickness! It was masked quite well as I have no internal drive or desire to be home or go home. My problem is this: in San Diego I never felt like I was home...I was lacking a connection with the place I lived. But, in San Diego I was Jac...crazy, loud, goofy, funny, over emotional, Jac-Jac. Here, in Glasgow, I have a sense of belonging; I know this is where I am supposed to be. Yet, I find that it is harder for me to find the Jac-outlets. Scots are a bit more reserved than I would consider myself to be, this isn't a bad thing, just a different thing. How or where do I fit into this picture? Is it a welcomed trait? An annoying trait? I always wonder if I am asking too personal of questions, or if I am sharing too much. I am myself here, just maybe more timid about putting it all out there. I explained it to Kristi, I feel like I am wearing a great pair of high heels (which I adore), but really just want to be in slippers.
I also have to keep in mind that friendships take time to develop. My close relationships at home were hard relationships to build and maintain...I am sure most of you back home can attest to the hard times we had to get to the good stuff. SO I need to be more patient...It has only been two months! And I also need to be willing to go through the same hurdles again...hmmm ;)
A Moment in the Rain:
I just had an amazing moment. A freeing moment...a very Jac moment. It has been quite windy the past few days. At first I wasn't having it, but now I adore it like my new black buttoned boots. Anyway, as I was walking home in the great wind I stretched out my arms and yelled in the streets for all to hear "EMBRACE THE WIND!!!!!!!!!!" "EMBRACE THE WIND" hhaa. Then it started pouring rain, sheets and sheets of rain...instead of reaching for the umbrella I just "embraced the rain!" It was amazing. I was soaking wet! It was so amazing to be that carefree, letting the rain fall upon my face. It really was a beautiful moment. A simple moment that reminded me that Jesus has set me free. He has set me free from the law, from His wrath, from my man-made law, from judgement, from other peoples' views and judgments. He set me free and I am His daughter and He loves me! I am really trying to grasp this idea of God's love. I know you will hear me chat about it A LOT, but it is something that hasn't ever made sense to me.
Currently I get to chat, almost daily, with Kristi regarding this idea of God's love for us. We have had some pretty great life changing conversations (for me) and the Lord is using her in great ways to combat some of the lies I believe.
In Other News:
I will be in Milngavie this weekend playing with the wee boys! I am so excited to run around and act foolish with them. Vanessa will be my faithful sidekick! I couldn't ask for a greater friend...how selfless she is to traverse through the mountains of dirty nappies, bouncing boys, screaming brother fights and the floors splattered with spaghetti sauce. I will have internet so please send emails! I love hearing from you all.
We have a reading week next week, so I will be locking myself in the library trying to solidify my arguments for my essays whilst (doesn't really work for me huh?) trying to complete minor assignments that I have let stress me out!
Kenny and Sandra get into town next week!!! I am so so so so so excited for them to get here. For those of you who don't know of them, they are two friends that I met at the Crowded Church Conference that Kaleo hosted in August. They are faithful servants of the Lord and have an incredible heart to see Glasgow, and Scotland as a whole, transformed by the love of Jesus and His Gospel. They are coming to plant a church here in the West End of Glasgow, where I live. This is just one of the amazing ways God has confirmed my move here! I am so excited to see what comes of this church plant, and what the Lord does.
It really is such a trying and great season spiritually. I am constantly encouraged by the Lord and constantly convicted by him as well. I am realizing how very little I know! :)
I miss you all dearly!
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Mr. Thomas Hugsy Cuddleson...my new bedtime pal!
It is almost 1:30 am and I am still awake. I really have no idea what my problem is. But for the past month I don't think I have been asleep any earlier than midnight.
Don't worry, next week I will be watching my three wee nephews and will once again be on Ace Standard Time...up at 6:30 am and asleep by 10 pm. I am looking forward to a weekend of play and fun. Turns out I have a lot more childlikeness in me than I realize.
For instance, today I purchased a Hot Hugs stuffed animal. Basically the little guy has a lavender scented beanie pouch in his tummy that I can remove and stick in the microwave. Once it is heated I insert back into the belly of the lion, giving me a hot huggable little guy,! :) I have named my new bedtime pal Mr. Thomas Hugsy Cuddleson. He was named Thomas after my friend Kristi Thomas, who serves as my counselor/best friend/analytical partner in crime. She is wonderful and has walked with me through my many neurosis. She has proved especially faithful through our 7,000 mile distance. We chat every day on gmail and she lets me go on and on and on about all sorts of things, and always reminds me of Christ and the freedom found in Him...she is a wonderful friend and well...I named my stuffed animal after her!
Hugsy comes from FRIENDS, and Cuddleson is...well.. this thing is just too cuddly. ;)
I think I am trying to do replacement therapy with the stuffed animal due to the extreme sadness I feel for missing my dogs.
I also purchased a book light, which for some reason thrilled me beyond belief. I made shadow puppets on my ceiling tonight when I couldn't fall asleep...I should be around kids more! I am not really 27 am I?
As of late I have been occupying my mind with worries of the future. What am I going to do with my degree? What type of career am I qualified for? and so on. It seems to be that everything of interest (teaching, library or museum work) would require me to once again further my education. Does anyone have interest in supporting a lifetime student?
I know it may seem silly to worry about something that is a year off, but I find myself in an interesting predicament here...I have the actual problem of being deported. If I do not have full-time employment before January 2010, I will have to leave the country...and that is something that I do not want to do.
If it were up to me, which it isn't, I would stay here permanently (of course with long visits home). But, this situation along with many others, are requiring me to trust in the Lord's will. Why is it so hard to grasp that the Lord is sovereign? It is so very easy to say, but to submit to the notion that God is all powerful and will work in each and every moment regardless of what I do or don't do...well, it is mind blowing.
I also decided, today actually, to start writing. I believe it is something I am supposed to do, in one way or another, with my life. Yet, as I briefly mentioned in my last entry, it is something that terrifies me. So I am going to attempt to write more...even if it is just blog entries. I need to get used to this. Hold me to if folks! :) (I hate the word folks, I have no idea why I used it).
I haven't written much at all about the very reason why I am in this country...my graduate work! :) It is all going well. The educational structure is vastly different from the US. The student has more freedom with his/her time. The basis for marking academic progress is through a total of four essays and one dissertation. There are no tests or other assignments (well actually that is not true, there are a few small pass/fail assignments). However these essays are taken up a few notches from anything else I have done. There is much more required of me in the breadth and depth of my knowledge, research and original ideas.
Right now I am mulling over a handful of essay topics. As soon as they are solidified I will let you all know what I will be writing about.
There are about 12 people in the Vic Lit program. They are all so wonderful and nice. I have already become close with a handful of them and really enjoy learning from them.
Tomorrow my topic course (which would be similar to an elective) will be in an anatomy museum. I will get to look at body parts in jars! :)
Also, I am repeatedly made fun of for calling our courses "class," here they are referred to as "seminar." To me a seminar is something you do to learn about finances or 5 Ways to a Healthier You. ;) But so goes the multitude of differences between the Americans and the Scots.
Well, I will be heading out now. I am not sure how coherent any of this is, seeing that it is near 2 am. :)
Much love to you crazy kids! :)
Jac
Don't worry, next week I will be watching my three wee nephews and will once again be on Ace Standard Time...up at 6:30 am and asleep by 10 pm. I am looking forward to a weekend of play and fun. Turns out I have a lot more childlikeness in me than I realize.
For instance, today I purchased a Hot Hugs stuffed animal. Basically the little guy has a lavender scented beanie pouch in his tummy that I can remove and stick in the microwave. Once it is heated I insert back into the belly of the lion, giving me a hot huggable little guy,! :) I have named my new bedtime pal Mr. Thomas Hugsy Cuddleson. He was named Thomas after my friend Kristi Thomas, who serves as my counselor/best friend/analytical partner in crime. She is wonderful and has walked with me through my many neurosis. She has proved especially faithful through our 7,000 mile distance. We chat every day on gmail and she lets me go on and on and on about all sorts of things, and always reminds me of Christ and the freedom found in Him...she is a wonderful friend and well...I named my stuffed animal after her!
Hugsy comes from FRIENDS, and Cuddleson is...well.. this thing is just too cuddly. ;)
I think I am trying to do replacement therapy with the stuffed animal due to the extreme sadness I feel for missing my dogs.
I also purchased a book light, which for some reason thrilled me beyond belief. I made shadow puppets on my ceiling tonight when I couldn't fall asleep...I should be around kids more! I am not really 27 am I?
As of late I have been occupying my mind with worries of the future. What am I going to do with my degree? What type of career am I qualified for? and so on. It seems to be that everything of interest (teaching, library or museum work) would require me to once again further my education. Does anyone have interest in supporting a lifetime student?
I know it may seem silly to worry about something that is a year off, but I find myself in an interesting predicament here...I have the actual problem of being deported. If I do not have full-time employment before January 2010, I will have to leave the country...and that is something that I do not want to do.
If it were up to me, which it isn't, I would stay here permanently (of course with long visits home). But, this situation along with many others, are requiring me to trust in the Lord's will. Why is it so hard to grasp that the Lord is sovereign? It is so very easy to say, but to submit to the notion that God is all powerful and will work in each and every moment regardless of what I do or don't do...well, it is mind blowing.
I also decided, today actually, to start writing. I believe it is something I am supposed to do, in one way or another, with my life. Yet, as I briefly mentioned in my last entry, it is something that terrifies me. So I am going to attempt to write more...even if it is just blog entries. I need to get used to this. Hold me to if folks! :) (I hate the word folks, I have no idea why I used it).
I haven't written much at all about the very reason why I am in this country...my graduate work! :) It is all going well. The educational structure is vastly different from the US. The student has more freedom with his/her time. The basis for marking academic progress is through a total of four essays and one dissertation. There are no tests or other assignments (well actually that is not true, there are a few small pass/fail assignments). However these essays are taken up a few notches from anything else I have done. There is much more required of me in the breadth and depth of my knowledge, research and original ideas.
Right now I am mulling over a handful of essay topics. As soon as they are solidified I will let you all know what I will be writing about.
There are about 12 people in the Vic Lit program. They are all so wonderful and nice. I have already become close with a handful of them and really enjoy learning from them.
Tomorrow my topic course (which would be similar to an elective) will be in an anatomy museum. I will get to look at body parts in jars! :)
Also, I am repeatedly made fun of for calling our courses "class," here they are referred to as "seminar." To me a seminar is something you do to learn about finances or 5 Ways to a Healthier You. ;) But so goes the multitude of differences between the Americans and the Scots.
Well, I will be heading out now. I am not sure how coherent any of this is, seeing that it is near 2 am. :)
Much love to you crazy kids! :)
Jac
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Bad Blogger, Bad!
I should be fired from the blogosphere! I have only written three entries since I have moved here. Well this one is extra long!
I suppose I have this fear-attachment to the blog. You see my parents did me a great injustice as a child (sorry Mom and Dad!). Since my youth they had bragged incessantly about my skills as a writer, but then reality hit hard when I entered the real word of authentic talent! :) It didn't help matters that I was never appropriately taught grammar, nor that I was a heinous speller. Basically I had imagination on over-drive that masked as writing talent. So, I am very self-conscious about putting "my work" out there for all to see. I imagine you all with oversized red pens in hand, shaking your head backwards as you laugh at my incorrect verb tense and misplaced modifiers. Nightmare!
I have been told, by many of my writing friends, to just write...just let it out and edit later. To me that is silly. Sure it works well for people who have the internal grammar check system installed in their brain. But for me, I am left with many fragments and other sad things. But...I am going to try to push through, for my few but faithful readers and update you more on what is happening in my life and mind.
'Tis a lovely thing this fall.
I remember learning, in elementary (or primary for the Brit/Scot readers) the sequence of things, a way to tell of the elapsing of time. Primarily this was done through weekdays, months, and also some immeasurable means, like seasons. I recall the lovely poster boards that said: fall, winter, spring and summer. Each was decorated with a lovely image, fall had multi-colored leaves, Winter had a snowman and snowflakes, spring had beautiful blooming flowers and summer was usually painted with a sun wearing sunglasses and a sand castle. Since childhood these are the icons of seasons.
Film also helped me with these images. I saw glimpses of fall, with fallen, crunchy leaves and the first sign of layerable dress. Winter was a delight with white snow, ice skating, snow ball fights and big Christmas trees.
It didn't really occur to me that these seasonal icons didn't exist for me. I just had the icons of summer. I only knew sun, sand castles and sandals. But now I find that these childhood images of fall are actually a reality.
We are at the cusp of fall here in Glasgow. The air is dry and crisp. The trees are removing their lush green garments and putting on this season's color pallet of reds, oranges and yellows. The day is losing its power over night as dusk comes quicker each day.
I find myself observing the life around me. Observing the beginnings of decay, the gate-way to winter, the hope for new life after the waiting.
The top-ten superficial misses from back home:
10: Sheets that are not made with polyester! Since many Brits hang their clothes to dry (which is odd since it rains always, and where it rains never, San Diego, no one dares to line dry), almost all sheets are a poly-cotton blend.
09: Wheat Thins: I basically want some crackers. Just crackers. I feel like all the crackers available to me here are gourmet style, the large thick crackers you get with your fancy cheese board. The lack of Wheat Thins has made me invest great time and money into Crisps (chips), this is a very unhealthy and unwise investment.
08: Veggies! Yes of course there are vegetables here...at the grocery store! It is very hard to find a flavorful veg salad or health option meal.
07: Saying Hello: I was reared in the city of superficial friendliness. I make fun of it of course, but I miss saying hi to strangers on the street. For my first few weeks in the city I had great hopes for myself in thinking that I could bring 'smiles' to this city. But I am literally ignored by ever passerby. But in all fairness, once you being your conversation with the Scot, they are incredibly warm and friendly.
06: Blockbuster and DVD Saturday: Oh the days of high gas prices that led me to stay local in the Alpine heat! I would trek down to Los Coches and rent about 6 DVDs at a time (I had a great system). Then I would fill my day with relaxation and great movies! Now I can't seem to find a way to watch movies here! The whole region 1 vs 2 thing...boo...at least I stopped calling it Division 1 and 2...eek. Go OU (that's for you Vanessa).
05: Chipotle, Spicy food and fried Chicken: Yummmmy...I miss fried chicken, boneless buffalo wings, and Chipotle like mad!!! Aside from Indian food it is near impossible to find spicy food here! That is why Mom is sending me some Chalula sauce. :) I will be carrying it with me in my purse!
04: House Hunters and the late night show lineup: I was greatly spoiled during my last 8 month in San Diego. I lived at home, had amazing homemade Chicken meals (seriously mom I miss good chicken!), and a GREAT BIG TV and DVR! I was allowed to watch all sorts of pointless and mind numbingly stupid shows! :) hah. I do miss watching House Hunters with my mom and cuddling my puppies (but that is not superficial so I can't put it on my list!)
03: My shower: Basically my bathroom makes me feel like I am in a submarine. That's all I am going to say!
02: Target: Over the years Target has proved as affective for me as counseling, and it has probably cost me about the same...or more. There is something lovely about walking through that great store, knowing that you will always find a handful of things that you don't, nor ever will, need. Don't be too sad for me, I have found a way to fill that void by Target.com, it really is just as exciting!
01: Car concerts: Today was the first day, in almost two months, that I SANG. I miss driving for hours a day in traffic blaring my music while singing from my soul! Car concerts are the greatest. I also really miss car concerts in Shan's car to old school Mariah! :)
But Seriously:
On the serious front, my life here is amazing. Everyday I thank Jesus for bringing me here. For intentionally bringing me to this amazing place. I feel so blessed and so loved to be in this place and to have met the people that I have. I think when you are removed from everything you know it is so much easier to see God's intentional hand in everything that you do. I had become very complacent and apathetic at home...everything became a routine and was similar. It is unfortunate that I could not see God's amazing hand invested in my life. But because he is a redeemer, I can look back and see some of the things that he did.
On this side of the Atlantic Ocean, I am really being stretched in a variety of ways. He is teaching me about His character and His Gospel in a whole new way. I am being forced to REALLY look at my sin. But instead of stopping there he is teaching me about repentance. Repentance wasn't part of my vocabulary a few months ago. It was part of my theological vocabulary, but not my "internal, no one can hear my thoughts" vocabulary.
In my devotional tonight it was taking about prayer through the Holy Spirit and how God only hears from himself, so since we have the Holy Spirit interceding for us he will hear the prayers. And how prideful words and prayers will not be heard because that cannot be from God. Of course I am butchering what I read (and am not turning on the lights to quote it because I just told the guys outside to be quiet because I was going to bed! and that would look weird if I turned on my light). Anyway, it got me thinking about humility in the Spirit, and well...I am still thinking on it.
But as I get more and more sleepy while I type...and start to enter a scary part of my stream-of-consciousness...let me just say that I am hopeful and encouraged. I have found a home in this amazing city. I see, daily, God's amazing providence in my life, and am really craving a new type of intimacy with Jesus...I know sometimes the words intimacy and Jesus together may sound odd. But He has found, as always, he unique way to leave me vulnerable and needing Him as shelter and cover. :)
I am sure half of this makes no sense! haha. Again, try to put your red pens down and not judge my errors, especially as the increase toward the end of the blog.
Night friends and family. :)
I suppose I have this fear-attachment to the blog. You see my parents did me a great injustice as a child (sorry Mom and Dad!). Since my youth they had bragged incessantly about my skills as a writer, but then reality hit hard when I entered the real word of authentic talent! :) It didn't help matters that I was never appropriately taught grammar, nor that I was a heinous speller. Basically I had imagination on over-drive that masked as writing talent. So, I am very self-conscious about putting "my work" out there for all to see. I imagine you all with oversized red pens in hand, shaking your head backwards as you laugh at my incorrect verb tense and misplaced modifiers. Nightmare!
I have been told, by many of my writing friends, to just write...just let it out and edit later. To me that is silly. Sure it works well for people who have the internal grammar check system installed in their brain. But for me, I am left with many fragments and other sad things. But...I am going to try to push through, for my few but faithful readers and update you more on what is happening in my life and mind.
'Tis a lovely thing this fall.
I remember learning, in elementary (or primary for the Brit/Scot readers) the sequence of things, a way to tell of the elapsing of time. Primarily this was done through weekdays, months, and also some immeasurable means, like seasons. I recall the lovely poster boards that said: fall, winter, spring and summer. Each was decorated with a lovely image, fall had multi-colored leaves, Winter had a snowman and snowflakes, spring had beautiful blooming flowers and summer was usually painted with a sun wearing sunglasses and a sand castle. Since childhood these are the icons of seasons.
Film also helped me with these images. I saw glimpses of fall, with fallen, crunchy leaves and the first sign of layerable dress. Winter was a delight with white snow, ice skating, snow ball fights and big Christmas trees.
It didn't really occur to me that these seasonal icons didn't exist for me. I just had the icons of summer. I only knew sun, sand castles and sandals. But now I find that these childhood images of fall are actually a reality.
We are at the cusp of fall here in Glasgow. The air is dry and crisp. The trees are removing their lush green garments and putting on this season's color pallet of reds, oranges and yellows. The day is losing its power over night as dusk comes quicker each day.
I find myself observing the life around me. Observing the beginnings of decay, the gate-way to winter, the hope for new life after the waiting.
The top-ten superficial misses from back home:
10: Sheets that are not made with polyester! Since many Brits hang their clothes to dry (which is odd since it rains always, and where it rains never, San Diego, no one dares to line dry), almost all sheets are a poly-cotton blend.
09: Wheat Thins: I basically want some crackers. Just crackers. I feel like all the crackers available to me here are gourmet style, the large thick crackers you get with your fancy cheese board. The lack of Wheat Thins has made me invest great time and money into Crisps (chips), this is a very unhealthy and unwise investment.
08: Veggies! Yes of course there are vegetables here...at the grocery store! It is very hard to find a flavorful veg salad or health option meal.
07: Saying Hello: I was reared in the city of superficial friendliness. I make fun of it of course, but I miss saying hi to strangers on the street. For my first few weeks in the city I had great hopes for myself in thinking that I could bring 'smiles' to this city. But I am literally ignored by ever passerby. But in all fairness, once you being your conversation with the Scot, they are incredibly warm and friendly.
06: Blockbuster and DVD Saturday: Oh the days of high gas prices that led me to stay local in the Alpine heat! I would trek down to Los Coches and rent about 6 DVDs at a time (I had a great system). Then I would fill my day with relaxation and great movies! Now I can't seem to find a way to watch movies here! The whole region 1 vs 2 thing...boo...at least I stopped calling it Division 1 and 2...eek. Go OU (that's for you Vanessa).
05: Chipotle, Spicy food and fried Chicken: Yummmmy...I miss fried chicken, boneless buffalo wings, and Chipotle like mad!!! Aside from Indian food it is near impossible to find spicy food here! That is why Mom is sending me some Chalula sauce. :) I will be carrying it with me in my purse!
04: House Hunters and the late night show lineup: I was greatly spoiled during my last 8 month in San Diego. I lived at home, had amazing homemade Chicken meals (seriously mom I miss good chicken!), and a GREAT BIG TV and DVR! I was allowed to watch all sorts of pointless and mind numbingly stupid shows! :) hah. I do miss watching House Hunters with my mom and cuddling my puppies (but that is not superficial so I can't put it on my list!)
03: My shower: Basically my bathroom makes me feel like I am in a submarine. That's all I am going to say!
02: Target: Over the years Target has proved as affective for me as counseling, and it has probably cost me about the same...or more. There is something lovely about walking through that great store, knowing that you will always find a handful of things that you don't, nor ever will, need. Don't be too sad for me, I have found a way to fill that void by Target.com, it really is just as exciting!
01: Car concerts: Today was the first day, in almost two months, that I SANG. I miss driving for hours a day in traffic blaring my music while singing from my soul! Car concerts are the greatest. I also really miss car concerts in Shan's car to old school Mariah! :)
But Seriously:
On the serious front, my life here is amazing. Everyday I thank Jesus for bringing me here. For intentionally bringing me to this amazing place. I feel so blessed and so loved to be in this place and to have met the people that I have. I think when you are removed from everything you know it is so much easier to see God's intentional hand in everything that you do. I had become very complacent and apathetic at home...everything became a routine and was similar. It is unfortunate that I could not see God's amazing hand invested in my life. But because he is a redeemer, I can look back and see some of the things that he did.
On this side of the Atlantic Ocean, I am really being stretched in a variety of ways. He is teaching me about His character and His Gospel in a whole new way. I am being forced to REALLY look at my sin. But instead of stopping there he is teaching me about repentance. Repentance wasn't part of my vocabulary a few months ago. It was part of my theological vocabulary, but not my "internal, no one can hear my thoughts" vocabulary.
In my devotional tonight it was taking about prayer through the Holy Spirit and how God only hears from himself, so since we have the Holy Spirit interceding for us he will hear the prayers. And how prideful words and prayers will not be heard because that cannot be from God. Of course I am butchering what I read (and am not turning on the lights to quote it because I just told the guys outside to be quiet because I was going to bed! and that would look weird if I turned on my light). Anyway, it got me thinking about humility in the Spirit, and well...I am still thinking on it.
But as I get more and more sleepy while I type...and start to enter a scary part of my stream-of-consciousness...let me just say that I am hopeful and encouraged. I have found a home in this amazing city. I see, daily, God's amazing providence in my life, and am really craving a new type of intimacy with Jesus...I know sometimes the words intimacy and Jesus together may sound odd. But He has found, as always, he unique way to leave me vulnerable and needing Him as shelter and cover. :)
I am sure half of this makes no sense! haha. Again, try to put your red pens down and not judge my errors, especially as the increase toward the end of the blog.
Night friends and family. :)
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Upon Reflection of a Series of Photos
Since moving away from home an overwhelming sense of gratitude has taken over my pessimism. I have seen in full view what the Lord has blessed me with, and I am also starting to realize his love for me and the uniqueness about the way he made me.
I have always struggled with understanding unconditional love. Classic girl disease where I constantly feel as though what loves me will leave me. Or what says love means "expectation on you being a certain way." Since this ideology affects my human relationships and how I treat those I encounter, no doubt it affects my Spiritual relationship with Christ.
It I were completely honest with you, which I will try to be, I would tell you that I do not really believe that I am forgiven or loved unconditionally by the Father. I intellectually know this to be true, but my thoughts and actions reveal the truth of my heart.
For the past two years I have been coming to a fuller understanding on how community and a relationship are necessary to a full relationship with Jesus and how a relationship with Jesus is necessary to a full and true communal experience. ("Experience" used carefully ;) ). For those of us, me included, who like to retreat from community for safety purpose, we often try to justify for the "lack" of community.
Proceeding to my point. My friends back home demonstrated something to me that allowed me to enter a new place of light and hope of understanding Jesus's love towards me.
I have never thought of myself as containing anything useful to the community. Of course when I was little I thought I had everything useful for anyone and everyone...but over the years of peer torment that idea quickly disintegrated.
Having lived in San Diego my whole life, it became part of my breathing and living. I didn't recognize it for anything particular nor did it notice me. I have had numerous friendships and circles of friends over the years and some have gone as easily as they have come. My mentality switched to a more casual idea of friendship and community...you win some you lose some, but usually you lose some. To clarify, I don't mean that in a melancholy way at all, I mean that in a "San Diegan" way...its casual, and attachments, true attachments, for people are rarely formed. It is what it is and will be.
I loved my friends and cared for them, but without full understanding, I never really committed to them, or allowed them to do the same.
About the turn of August, I began to actualize that I was leaving the country. My hopes and ideas for living elsewhere were actually going to happen. In the process of my departure I spent much time with friends and family. Many good-bye parties were had (as you all know!). And then, in my final full day in San Diego I was given such a remarkable gift. A group of my friends had worked for an unknown, but significant, amount of time creating a wonderful scrapbook of photos and letters. It was carefully and beautifully designed, there were many many photos of our many many memories over the past three years, as well as a series of letters from my friends regarding our friendships. I was so over-joyed by such an amazing expression of love. I was also surprised to see that people shed tears at my leaving.
Since my arrival in Glasgow, a month ago, I have referred to that album numerous times. This book has become a display and portrait of God's grace, mercy and complete love for me. Through the various photos I have been able to remember numerous events over the past three years, some happy, some sad, some unbearable, and others tearfully funny. Each photo is a window to something larger. It is a piece to the whole story.
The whole story being that there are people who know my sin, my depravity and shitiness yet who still love me. They do not love me in spite of those things, but have, through the grace of God, loved me more because of those things. Because the Lord has been so gracious to test many of these friendships in many hard ways, I have faith in their love for me, imperfect as it may be, we know that it is Christ who seals it.
From them I have learned how to listen better, care more, hug stronger, pray harder, and hope deeper. The, through their love, friendship, sorrows, pains, and sin have pointed me to this great Gospel of hope and salvation.
I think of them, many of you, every day. I don't feel separated from you, I feel closer than before. I am understanding more that we truly are part of one body. Though distance has created a divide, the blood of Christ closes that gap. I look at your, our, photos so often and am so thankful for each of you but mostly that God is so loving that he would care enough to display his love so patiently and wonderfully through you all in a miraculous way.
And through this book God has also displayed to me that he created me uniquely. My uniqueness is found in Him, so now I no longer have to strive to be someone I am not, I can rest in the unique fabric of my makeup. I can embrace my loud voice, over expressive hand movements and facial expressions and know that they are a gift from God. I can stop trying to fit into a mold that I think is socially and academically acceptable. I see this as well through my friends, I can love them for their unique makeup, and find joy in understanding their own facial expressions, quirks and passions. How beautiful are the many facets of our Lord, and that he chose to put within us all a vibrant combination of his attributes and character.
:)
I have always struggled with understanding unconditional love. Classic girl disease where I constantly feel as though what loves me will leave me. Or what says love means "expectation on you being a certain way." Since this ideology affects my human relationships and how I treat those I encounter, no doubt it affects my Spiritual relationship with Christ.
It I were completely honest with you, which I will try to be, I would tell you that I do not really believe that I am forgiven or loved unconditionally by the Father. I intellectually know this to be true, but my thoughts and actions reveal the truth of my heart.
For the past two years I have been coming to a fuller understanding on how community and a relationship are necessary to a full relationship with Jesus and how a relationship with Jesus is necessary to a full and true communal experience. ("Experience" used carefully ;) ). For those of us, me included, who like to retreat from community for safety purpose, we often try to justify for the "lack" of community.
Proceeding to my point. My friends back home demonstrated something to me that allowed me to enter a new place of light and hope of understanding Jesus's love towards me.
I have never thought of myself as containing anything useful to the community. Of course when I was little I thought I had everything useful for anyone and everyone...but over the years of peer torment that idea quickly disintegrated.
Having lived in San Diego my whole life, it became part of my breathing and living. I didn't recognize it for anything particular nor did it notice me. I have had numerous friendships and circles of friends over the years and some have gone as easily as they have come. My mentality switched to a more casual idea of friendship and community...you win some you lose some, but usually you lose some. To clarify, I don't mean that in a melancholy way at all, I mean that in a "San Diegan" way...its casual, and attachments, true attachments, for people are rarely formed. It is what it is and will be.
I loved my friends and cared for them, but without full understanding, I never really committed to them, or allowed them to do the same.
About the turn of August, I began to actualize that I was leaving the country. My hopes and ideas for living elsewhere were actually going to happen. In the process of my departure I spent much time with friends and family. Many good-bye parties were had (as you all know!). And then, in my final full day in San Diego I was given such a remarkable gift. A group of my friends had worked for an unknown, but significant, amount of time creating a wonderful scrapbook of photos and letters. It was carefully and beautifully designed, there were many many photos of our many many memories over the past three years, as well as a series of letters from my friends regarding our friendships. I was so over-joyed by such an amazing expression of love. I was also surprised to see that people shed tears at my leaving.
Since my arrival in Glasgow, a month ago, I have referred to that album numerous times. This book has become a display and portrait of God's grace, mercy and complete love for me. Through the various photos I have been able to remember numerous events over the past three years, some happy, some sad, some unbearable, and others tearfully funny. Each photo is a window to something larger. It is a piece to the whole story.
The whole story being that there are people who know my sin, my depravity and shitiness yet who still love me. They do not love me in spite of those things, but have, through the grace of God, loved me more because of those things. Because the Lord has been so gracious to test many of these friendships in many hard ways, I have faith in their love for me, imperfect as it may be, we know that it is Christ who seals it.
From them I have learned how to listen better, care more, hug stronger, pray harder, and hope deeper. The, through their love, friendship, sorrows, pains, and sin have pointed me to this great Gospel of hope and salvation.
I think of them, many of you, every day. I don't feel separated from you, I feel closer than before. I am understanding more that we truly are part of one body. Though distance has created a divide, the blood of Christ closes that gap. I look at your, our, photos so often and am so thankful for each of you but mostly that God is so loving that he would care enough to display his love so patiently and wonderfully through you all in a miraculous way.
And through this book God has also displayed to me that he created me uniquely. My uniqueness is found in Him, so now I no longer have to strive to be someone I am not, I can rest in the unique fabric of my makeup. I can embrace my loud voice, over expressive hand movements and facial expressions and know that they are a gift from God. I can stop trying to fit into a mold that I think is socially and academically acceptable. I see this as well through my friends, I can love them for their unique makeup, and find joy in understanding their own facial expressions, quirks and passions. How beautiful are the many facets of our Lord, and that he chose to put within us all a vibrant combination of his attributes and character.
:)
Monday, September 15, 2008
My Sympathies
Dearest Midnight Man,
I am writing to you to clarify what seemed to be myself accosting you in the street last Saturday. It is outside my behaviour to yell at strange men in the midnight hour, so I feel this letter may help clear up my family name.
In the late hours of Saturday, September the 13th, I was walking home with a dear friend from a pleasant house warming gathering down upon Clarence Dr. Off in the distance I saw you sauntering towards us. I was, in fact, quite disturbed by your gait and appearance and quickly told my friend that we should cross the street to continue about the other side. You appeared to be a man of no good fortune or breeding.
As we continued our way, my friend noticed and commented that you were walking a dog. I looked toward you and sure enough you were carrying about with your black Labrador retriever. Suddenly, as if separated from my earthly body I heard myself yelling at you, "Sir, can I pet your dog?" You looked and quickened your pace. Instead of leaving you to your business, and still not sure of your character or references, I hurried across, what could have been a busy street, yelling, "Can I pet your dog?"
My determined step caught up to you. "Sorry, but I miss my dog, she is a Labrador as well, can I pet your dog?" Gratefully you obliged.
I must say, clearly as I can, that what I did that night of September 13th the year of our Lord 2008, was very much out line with my character. It seems as though the distance and time apart from my family, and family pets, has affected me quite more than I had imagined. I have called the local physician to sit with me awhile and monitor my temperature, blood letting may be a possibility.
With greatest regret and sympathies to you and your dog Max,
Jacqueline Leigh Serr
I am writing to you to clarify what seemed to be myself accosting you in the street last Saturday. It is outside my behaviour to yell at strange men in the midnight hour, so I feel this letter may help clear up my family name.
In the late hours of Saturday, September the 13th, I was walking home with a dear friend from a pleasant house warming gathering down upon Clarence Dr. Off in the distance I saw you sauntering towards us. I was, in fact, quite disturbed by your gait and appearance and quickly told my friend that we should cross the street to continue about the other side. You appeared to be a man of no good fortune or breeding.
As we continued our way, my friend noticed and commented that you were walking a dog. I looked toward you and sure enough you were carrying about with your black Labrador retriever. Suddenly, as if separated from my earthly body I heard myself yelling at you, "Sir, can I pet your dog?" You looked and quickened your pace. Instead of leaving you to your business, and still not sure of your character or references, I hurried across, what could have been a busy street, yelling, "Can I pet your dog?"
My determined step caught up to you. "Sorry, but I miss my dog, she is a Labrador as well, can I pet your dog?" Gratefully you obliged.
I must say, clearly as I can, that what I did that night of September 13th the year of our Lord 2008, was very much out line with my character. It seems as though the distance and time apart from my family, and family pets, has affected me quite more than I had imagined. I have called the local physician to sit with me awhile and monitor my temperature, blood letting may be a possibility.
With greatest regret and sympathies to you and your dog Max,
Jacqueline Leigh Serr
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Learning to Open Doors and Use Umbrellas
Currently, there is a Scottish sounding woman narrating my life, the My So Called Life narration has ceased and now a more proper sounding woman has taken over the airwaves. Sometimes I want to shut her up, cause she doesn't sound raw enough to me, I miss the nasally sounding American that I once was in my head, but still very much am to everyone who hears me speak. Accompanying said Scottish woman, in the soundtrack of my head, are various other sounds: the scratching of leaves hurrying about the busy pavement and cobblestone walkways, the pop of lighting cigarettes, the swish of tires racing corners on the road's opposite side, and of course the sound of rain...the dancing, swirling, banging, tapping sound of rain. One sound you will not hear in my brain's soundtrack is music, for my fourth ipod quit on me already.
----
The forecast says rain, everyday. And everyday the forecast is correct. You can always trust the rain in Scotland, it will always be here. Perhaps this consistency of rain will teach me of the Lord's consistency in my life. Perhaps.
----
I am learning how to open doors and use umbrellas. Doors open the opposite way and this have proved a great challenge for me. Simple things in life usually are the most difficult for me. Umbrellas are not as easy as they appear. To open one is simple, but to keep it steady in the midst of forceful winds is another thing. To keep yourself covered while trying to make way for passers is also another thing. I still haven't managed to keep my hands dry while using my umbrella in forceful wind while not blocking the pavement...too much to do at once.
-----
We all know the story, the little girl in a little pretty dress suddenly lifts the skirt over her head to yank at her tights and pull them up. We all giggle if we know the child, and giggle internally if we don't. I remember doing this act myself as a young child, and I surely miss the freedom to pull my skirt or dress over my head. As we women venture into adulthood tights DO NOT get any easier to wear. They still slide down your leg and you feel as if you are walking with pants at your thighs. But, as adults, we have to discretely yank at our tights away from the public's eye. This proved very challenging for me today, and I did almost pull my skirt up over my head.
----
The naiveté and ignorance of my faith has proved vast these past two weeks. I am seeing how my need for approval stunts my life's actions. The need to be seen as academic proceeds my need to know who Jesus is. My need to have friends floods out my thankfulness for Christ's acceptance and love.
One thing I can say for sure is that the Lord uses distance to bring me closer to Him. Each venture I take away from home has brought about new humility and new understanding of who this Jesus really is. I am hoping for less head knowledge and more faith. More Spiritual understanding to even make sense of this sacrifice of Christ and what it actually means, what it really means to be free from sin and death. What it really means to be loved unconditionally by Jesus. What it really means to know that I am called daughter. And more so I want to REALLY believe it! Wow...what a grateful heart I would have it I fully believed the Gospel. :)
In the meantime while I am about the rainy pavements, wet gardens, and mossy buildings of Scotland...I do trust in the faithfulness of God. His unchanging ways; the remarkable way he loves and provides when we do nothing at all...quite amazing.
---
Before I part I must mention that Beatrix Potter's great classic children's tales make much more sense to me now. I always adored them as a child, but now I fully understand where these tales came from. I saw a brightly colored bird climb a ladder and garden squirrel sat with me and my friend on a bench and let us feed him and talk to him. It is quite stunning actually the amount of friendly human attributes appeared as I encountered these incidents. I almost felt as if they were preparing to talk to me about Peter Rabbit and his being in someone's garden. And perhaps they talked to Beatrix, I surely don't doubt it anymore.
----
The forecast says rain, everyday. And everyday the forecast is correct. You can always trust the rain in Scotland, it will always be here. Perhaps this consistency of rain will teach me of the Lord's consistency in my life. Perhaps.
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I am learning how to open doors and use umbrellas. Doors open the opposite way and this have proved a great challenge for me. Simple things in life usually are the most difficult for me. Umbrellas are not as easy as they appear. To open one is simple, but to keep it steady in the midst of forceful winds is another thing. To keep yourself covered while trying to make way for passers is also another thing. I still haven't managed to keep my hands dry while using my umbrella in forceful wind while not blocking the pavement...too much to do at once.
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We all know the story, the little girl in a little pretty dress suddenly lifts the skirt over her head to yank at her tights and pull them up. We all giggle if we know the child, and giggle internally if we don't. I remember doing this act myself as a young child, and I surely miss the freedom to pull my skirt or dress over my head. As we women venture into adulthood tights DO NOT get any easier to wear. They still slide down your leg and you feel as if you are walking with pants at your thighs. But, as adults, we have to discretely yank at our tights away from the public's eye. This proved very challenging for me today, and I did almost pull my skirt up over my head.
----
The naiveté and ignorance of my faith has proved vast these past two weeks. I am seeing how my need for approval stunts my life's actions. The need to be seen as academic proceeds my need to know who Jesus is. My need to have friends floods out my thankfulness for Christ's acceptance and love.
One thing I can say for sure is that the Lord uses distance to bring me closer to Him. Each venture I take away from home has brought about new humility and new understanding of who this Jesus really is. I am hoping for less head knowledge and more faith. More Spiritual understanding to even make sense of this sacrifice of Christ and what it actually means, what it really means to be free from sin and death. What it really means to be loved unconditionally by Jesus. What it really means to know that I am called daughter. And more so I want to REALLY believe it! Wow...what a grateful heart I would have it I fully believed the Gospel. :)
In the meantime while I am about the rainy pavements, wet gardens, and mossy buildings of Scotland...I do trust in the faithfulness of God. His unchanging ways; the remarkable way he loves and provides when we do nothing at all...quite amazing.
---
Before I part I must mention that Beatrix Potter's great classic children's tales make much more sense to me now. I always adored them as a child, but now I fully understand where these tales came from. I saw a brightly colored bird climb a ladder and garden squirrel sat with me and my friend on a bench and let us feed him and talk to him. It is quite stunning actually the amount of friendly human attributes appeared as I encountered these incidents. I almost felt as if they were preparing to talk to me about Peter Rabbit and his being in someone's garden. And perhaps they talked to Beatrix, I surely don't doubt it anymore.
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