Upon Reflection of a Series of Photos

Since moving away from home an overwhelming sense of gratitude has taken over my pessimism. I have seen in full view what the Lord has blessed me with, and I am also starting to realize his love for me and the uniqueness about the way he made me.

I have always struggled with understanding unconditional love. Classic girl disease where I constantly feel as though what loves me will leave me. Or what says love means "expectation on you being a certain way." Since this ideology affects my human relationships and how I treat those I encounter, no doubt it affects my Spiritual relationship with Christ.

It I were completely honest with you, which I will try to be, I would tell you that I do not really believe that I am forgiven or loved unconditionally by the Father. I intellectually know this to be true, but my thoughts and actions reveal the truth of my heart.

For the past two years I have been coming to a fuller understanding on how community and a relationship are necessary to a full relationship with Jesus and how a relationship with Jesus is necessary to a full and true communal experience. ("Experience" used carefully ;) ). For those of us, me included, who like to retreat from community for safety purpose, we often try to justify for the "lack" of community.

Proceeding to my point. My friends back home demonstrated something to me that allowed me to enter a new place of light and hope of understanding Jesus's love towards me.

I have never thought of myself as containing anything useful to the community. Of course when I was little I thought I had everything useful for anyone and everyone...but over the years of peer torment that idea quickly disintegrated.

Having lived in San Diego my whole life, it became part of my breathing and living. I didn't recognize it for anything particular nor did it notice me. I have had numerous friendships and circles of friends over the years and some have gone as easily as they have come. My mentality switched to a more casual idea of friendship and community...you win some you lose some, but usually you lose some. To clarify, I don't mean that in a melancholy way at all, I mean that in a "San Diegan" way...its casual, and attachments, true attachments, for people are rarely formed. It is what it is and will be.

I loved my friends and cared for them, but without full understanding, I never really committed to them, or allowed them to do the same.

About the turn of August, I began to actualize that I was leaving the country. My hopes and ideas for living elsewhere were actually going to happen. In the process of my departure I spent much time with friends and family. Many good-bye parties were had (as you all know!). And then, in my final full day in San Diego I was given such a remarkable gift. A group of my friends had worked for an unknown, but significant, amount of time creating a wonderful scrapbook of photos and letters. It was carefully and beautifully designed, there were many many photos of our many many memories over the past three years, as well as a series of letters from my friends regarding our friendships. I was so over-joyed by such an amazing expression of love. I was also surprised to see that people shed tears at my leaving.

Since my arrival in Glasgow, a month ago, I have referred to that album numerous times. This book has become a display and portrait of God's grace, mercy and complete love for me. Through the various photos I have been able to remember numerous events over the past three years, some happy, some sad, some unbearable, and others tearfully funny. Each photo is a window to something larger. It is a piece to the whole story.

The whole story being that there are people who know my sin, my depravity and shitiness yet who still love me. They do not love me in spite of those things, but have, through the grace of God, loved me more because of those things. Because the Lord has been so gracious to test many of these friendships in many hard ways, I have faith in their love for me, imperfect as it may be, we know that it is Christ who seals it.

From them I have learned how to listen better, care more, hug stronger, pray harder, and hope deeper. The, through their love, friendship, sorrows, pains, and sin have pointed me to this great Gospel of hope and salvation.

I think of them, many of you, every day. I don't feel separated from you, I feel closer than before. I am understanding more that we truly are part of one body. Though distance has created a divide, the blood of Christ closes that gap. I look at your, our, photos so often and am so thankful for each of you but mostly that God is so loving that he would care enough to display his love so patiently and wonderfully through you all in a miraculous way.

And through this book God has also displayed to me that he created me uniquely. My uniqueness is found in Him, so now I no longer have to strive to be someone I am not, I can rest in the unique fabric of my makeup. I can embrace my loud voice, over expressive hand movements and facial expressions and know that they are a gift from God. I can stop trying to fit into a mold that I think is socially and academically acceptable. I see this as well through my friends, I can love them for their unique makeup, and find joy in understanding their own facial expressions, quirks and passions. How beautiful are the many facets of our Lord, and that he chose to put within us all a vibrant combination of his attributes and character.

:)