Ugliness as Deformity, Reservedness and Homesickness, and My Moment in the Rain.

Ugliness as Deformity:

I have found myself blue this week, for reasons which I will go into in my next segment. But I believe the current state of blueness has had me a tad more sensitive than normal...so hold tight my loves.
During my Embodiments seminar today we were talking about the idea of deformity in literature and the voice of the deformed person. We discussed various texts and our conversation ran from one random topic to the other (yet all the while still very interesting). We finally ended the day with the notion that ugliness in female characters is treated as a deformity. It is something she has to "recover" from or be "redeem" from. The "ugly" female is either looked a pitifully or with regret and sorrow. For example, poetry dealing with the woman scarred from Small Pox will be forever changed, it is treated as though her good self is gone, that her place in society is now marred.
I ended seminar feeling incredibly sad and overcome. This idea that women have to be beautiful or else they will be seen as deformed has transcended countless generations and appears to be going no where fast . Now, you may be sitting there disagreeing with me, saying to yourself "deformity is a strong word." But if you were honest with yourself, you will recall your instant feelings or judgments from the "ugly" person. True, maybe you didn't slander her in your mind, but did you notice? Or was she tossed aside, unlike the beautiful woman that walked into the room? Granted women do this with men as well and I am not trying to be on any type of feminist platform in any way. It just made me recognize more fully this weight of "beauty" that I have attempted to carry around my neck for years, that most women attempt to carry. This idea that unless you are deemed beautiful then there isn't much room for you in society.
Yet with that said, I really need to look at my heart in this. Why am I not satisfied with being called a daughter of the King? Why do I seek outside approval? Why am I afraid to been seen as ugly? Ultimately I give more merit to the outside view than the view of Christ, the man that died for me and covered the very ugliness of my soul.


Reservedness and Homesickness

Like I mentioned above, I have been feeling blue this past week (week and a half). I knew what I was feeling but I wasn't quite sure why. After a talk with mom (of course she always helps), and between bursts of tears regarding my missed puppies, we determined the cause of this said sadness... homesickness! It was masked quite well as I have no internal drive or desire to be home or go home. My problem is this: in San Diego I never felt like I was home...I was lacking a connection with the place I lived. But, in San Diego I was Jac...crazy, loud, goofy, funny, over emotional, Jac-Jac. Here, in Glasgow, I have a sense of belonging; I know this is where I am supposed to be. Yet, I find that it is harder for me to find the Jac-outlets. Scots are a bit more reserved than I would consider myself to be, this isn't a bad thing, just a different thing. How or where do I fit into this picture? Is it a welcomed trait? An annoying trait? I always wonder if I am asking too personal of questions, or if I am sharing too much. I am myself here, just maybe more timid about putting it all out there. I explained it to Kristi, I feel like I am wearing a great pair of high heels (which I adore), but really just want to be in slippers.

I also have to keep in mind that friendships take time to develop. My close relationships at home were hard relationships to build and maintain...I am sure most of you back home can attest to the hard times we had to get to the good stuff. SO I need to be more patient...It has only been two months! And I also need to be willing to go through the same hurdles again...hmmm ;)

A Moment in the Rain:

I just had an amazing moment. A freeing moment...a very Jac moment. It has been quite windy the past few days. At first I wasn't having it, but now I adore it like my new black buttoned boots. Anyway, as I was walking home in the great wind I stretched out my arms and yelled in the streets for all to hear "EMBRACE THE WIND!!!!!!!!!!" "EMBRACE THE WIND" hhaa. Then it started pouring rain, sheets and sheets of rain...instead of reaching for the umbrella I just "embraced the rain!" It was amazing. I was soaking wet! It was so amazing to be that carefree, letting the rain fall upon my face. It really was a beautiful moment. A simple moment that reminded me that Jesus has set me free. He has set me free from the law, from His wrath, from my man-made law, from judgement, from other peoples' views and judgments. He set me free and I am His daughter and He loves me! I am really trying to grasp this idea of God's love. I know you will hear me chat about it A LOT, but it is something that hasn't ever made sense to me.
Currently I get to chat, almost daily, with Kristi regarding this idea of God's love for us. We have had some pretty great life changing conversations (for me) and the Lord is using her in great ways to combat some of the lies I believe.

In Other News:

I will be in Milngavie this weekend playing with the wee boys! I am so excited to run around and act foolish with them. Vanessa will be my faithful sidekick! I couldn't ask for a greater friend...how selfless she is to traverse through the mountains of dirty nappies, bouncing boys, screaming brother fights and the floors splattered with spaghetti sauce. I will have internet so please send emails! I love hearing from you all.

We have a reading week next week, so I will be locking myself in the library trying to solidify my arguments for my essays whilst (doesn't really work for me huh?) trying to complete minor assignments that I have let stress me out!

Kenny and Sandra get into town next week!!! I am so so so so so excited for them to get here. For those of you who don't know of them, they are two friends that I met at the Crowded Church Conference that Kaleo hosted in August. They are faithful servants of the Lord and have an incredible heart to see Glasgow, and Scotland as a whole, transformed by the love of Jesus and His Gospel. They are coming to plant a church here in the West End of Glasgow, where I live. This is just one of the amazing ways God has confirmed my move here! I am so excited to see what comes of this church plant, and what the Lord does.

It really is such a trying and great season spiritually. I am constantly encouraged by the Lord and constantly convicted by him as well. I am realizing how very little I know! :)

I miss you all dearly!