Upon Reflection of a Series of Photos

Since moving away from home an overwhelming sense of gratitude has taken over my pessimism. I have seen in full view what the Lord has blessed me with, and I am also starting to realize his love for me and the uniqueness about the way he made me.

I have always struggled with understanding unconditional love. Classic girl disease where I constantly feel as though what loves me will leave me. Or what says love means "expectation on you being a certain way." Since this ideology affects my human relationships and how I treat those I encounter, no doubt it affects my Spiritual relationship with Christ.

It I were completely honest with you, which I will try to be, I would tell you that I do not really believe that I am forgiven or loved unconditionally by the Father. I intellectually know this to be true, but my thoughts and actions reveal the truth of my heart.

For the past two years I have been coming to a fuller understanding on how community and a relationship are necessary to a full relationship with Jesus and how a relationship with Jesus is necessary to a full and true communal experience. ("Experience" used carefully ;) ). For those of us, me included, who like to retreat from community for safety purpose, we often try to justify for the "lack" of community.

Proceeding to my point. My friends back home demonstrated something to me that allowed me to enter a new place of light and hope of understanding Jesus's love towards me.

I have never thought of myself as containing anything useful to the community. Of course when I was little I thought I had everything useful for anyone and everyone...but over the years of peer torment that idea quickly disintegrated.

Having lived in San Diego my whole life, it became part of my breathing and living. I didn't recognize it for anything particular nor did it notice me. I have had numerous friendships and circles of friends over the years and some have gone as easily as they have come. My mentality switched to a more casual idea of friendship and community...you win some you lose some, but usually you lose some. To clarify, I don't mean that in a melancholy way at all, I mean that in a "San Diegan" way...its casual, and attachments, true attachments, for people are rarely formed. It is what it is and will be.

I loved my friends and cared for them, but without full understanding, I never really committed to them, or allowed them to do the same.

About the turn of August, I began to actualize that I was leaving the country. My hopes and ideas for living elsewhere were actually going to happen. In the process of my departure I spent much time with friends and family. Many good-bye parties were had (as you all know!). And then, in my final full day in San Diego I was given such a remarkable gift. A group of my friends had worked for an unknown, but significant, amount of time creating a wonderful scrapbook of photos and letters. It was carefully and beautifully designed, there were many many photos of our many many memories over the past three years, as well as a series of letters from my friends regarding our friendships. I was so over-joyed by such an amazing expression of love. I was also surprised to see that people shed tears at my leaving.

Since my arrival in Glasgow, a month ago, I have referred to that album numerous times. This book has become a display and portrait of God's grace, mercy and complete love for me. Through the various photos I have been able to remember numerous events over the past three years, some happy, some sad, some unbearable, and others tearfully funny. Each photo is a window to something larger. It is a piece to the whole story.

The whole story being that there are people who know my sin, my depravity and shitiness yet who still love me. They do not love me in spite of those things, but have, through the grace of God, loved me more because of those things. Because the Lord has been so gracious to test many of these friendships in many hard ways, I have faith in their love for me, imperfect as it may be, we know that it is Christ who seals it.

From them I have learned how to listen better, care more, hug stronger, pray harder, and hope deeper. The, through their love, friendship, sorrows, pains, and sin have pointed me to this great Gospel of hope and salvation.

I think of them, many of you, every day. I don't feel separated from you, I feel closer than before. I am understanding more that we truly are part of one body. Though distance has created a divide, the blood of Christ closes that gap. I look at your, our, photos so often and am so thankful for each of you but mostly that God is so loving that he would care enough to display his love so patiently and wonderfully through you all in a miraculous way.

And through this book God has also displayed to me that he created me uniquely. My uniqueness is found in Him, so now I no longer have to strive to be someone I am not, I can rest in the unique fabric of my makeup. I can embrace my loud voice, over expressive hand movements and facial expressions and know that they are a gift from God. I can stop trying to fit into a mold that I think is socially and academically acceptable. I see this as well through my friends, I can love them for their unique makeup, and find joy in understanding their own facial expressions, quirks and passions. How beautiful are the many facets of our Lord, and that he chose to put within us all a vibrant combination of his attributes and character.

:)

My Sympathies

Dearest Midnight Man,

I am writing to you to clarify what seemed to be myself accosting you in the street last Saturday. It is outside my behaviour to yell at strange men in the midnight hour, so I feel this letter may help clear up my family name.

In the late hours of Saturday, September the 13th, I was walking home with a dear friend from a pleasant house warming gathering down upon Clarence Dr. Off in the distance I saw you sauntering towards us. I was, in fact, quite disturbed by your gait and appearance and quickly told my friend that we should cross the street to continue about the other side. You appeared to be a man of no good fortune or breeding.

As we continued our way, my friend noticed and commented that you were walking a dog. I looked toward you and sure enough you were carrying about with your black Labrador retriever. Suddenly, as if separated from my earthly body I heard myself yelling at you, "Sir, can I pet your dog?" You looked and quickened your pace. Instead of leaving you to your business, and still not sure of your character or references, I hurried across, what could have been a busy street, yelling, "Can I pet your dog?"

My determined step caught up to you. "Sorry, but I miss my dog, she is a Labrador as well, can I pet your dog?" Gratefully you obliged.

I must say, clearly as I can, that what I did that night of September 13th the year of our Lord 2008, was very much out line with my character. It seems as though the distance and time apart from my family, and family pets, has affected me quite more than I had imagined. I have called the local physician to sit with me awhile and monitor my temperature, blood letting may be a possibility.

With greatest regret and sympathies to you and your dog Max,

Jacqueline Leigh Serr

Learning to Open Doors and Use Umbrellas

Currently, there is a Scottish sounding woman narrating my life, the My So Called Life narration has ceased and now a more proper sounding woman has taken over the airwaves. Sometimes I want to shut her up, cause she doesn't sound raw enough to me, I miss the nasally sounding American that I once was in my head, but still very much am to everyone who hears me speak. Accompanying said Scottish woman, in the soundtrack of my head, are various other sounds: the scratching of leaves hurrying about the busy pavement and cobblestone walkways, the pop of lighting cigarettes, the swish of tires racing corners on the road's opposite side, and of course the sound of rain...the dancing, swirling, banging, tapping sound of rain. One sound you will not hear in my brain's soundtrack is music, for my fourth ipod quit on me already.

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The forecast says rain, everyday. And everyday the forecast is correct. You can always trust the rain in Scotland, it will always be here. Perhaps this consistency of rain will teach me of the Lord's consistency in my life. Perhaps.

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I am learning how to open doors and use umbrellas. Doors open the opposite way and this have proved a great challenge for me. Simple things in life usually are the most difficult for me. Umbrellas are not as easy as they appear. To open one is simple, but to keep it steady in the midst of forceful winds is another thing. To keep yourself covered while trying to make way for passers is also another thing. I still haven't managed to keep my hands dry while using my umbrella in forceful wind while not blocking the pavement...too much to do at once.

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We all know the story, the little girl in a little pretty dress suddenly lifts the skirt over her head to yank at her tights and pull them up. We all giggle if we know the child, and giggle internally if we don't. I remember doing this act myself as a young child, and I surely miss the freedom to pull my skirt or dress over my head. As we women venture into adulthood tights DO NOT get any easier to wear. They still slide down your leg and you feel as if you are walking with pants at your thighs. But, as adults, we have to discretely yank at our tights away from the public's eye. This proved very challenging for me today, and I did almost pull my skirt up over my head.

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The naiveté and ignorance of my faith has proved vast these past two weeks. I am seeing how my need for approval stunts my life's actions. The need to be seen as academic proceeds my need to know who Jesus is. My need to have friends floods out my thankfulness for Christ's acceptance and love.

One thing I can say for sure is that the Lord uses distance to bring me closer to Him. Each venture I take away from home has brought about new humility and new understanding of who this Jesus really is. I am hoping for less head knowledge and more faith. More Spiritual understanding to even make sense of this sacrifice of Christ and what it actually means, what it really means to be free from sin and death. What it really means to be loved unconditionally by Jesus. What it really means to know that I am called daughter. And more so I want to REALLY believe it! Wow...what a grateful heart I would have it I fully believed the Gospel. :)

In the meantime while I am about the rainy pavements, wet gardens, and mossy buildings of Scotland...I do trust in the faithfulness of God. His unchanging ways; the remarkable way he loves and provides when we do nothing at all...quite amazing.

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Before I part I must mention that Beatrix Potter's great classic children's tales make much more sense to me now. I always adored them as a child, but now I fully understand where these tales came from. I saw a brightly colored bird climb a ladder and garden squirrel sat with me and my friend on a bench and let us feed him and talk to him. It is quite stunning actually the amount of friendly human attributes appeared as I encountered these incidents. I almost felt as if they were preparing to talk to me about Peter Rabbit and his being in someone's garden. And perhaps they talked to Beatrix, I surely don't doubt it anymore.